Mom-Tales.com

My 16-year-old came home from school yesterday wound up. He has three dials on his control system: Wound Up, Mildly Hyper and Calm and Collected. Obviously, the latter works for us best but we rarely see that side. He's been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) since age 5 and, since we moved around quite a bit, was re-diagnosed four times with different doctors, including as part of an international study on ADHD genetics by UCLA and Oxford University. So it's clear what his problem is. Even if it wasn't obvious by watching him melt down or lose control by screaming when overwhelmed or confronted by parents hoping he'll take the garbage out, we have medical science to back us up.

And yet, after dealing with an explosive teen and wondering for the umpteenth time if the neighbors will call the police from all his yelling, I should be used to it. Instead, I got angry. All that resentment from never having sympathetic ears, cooperative teachers, assistance from anyone, just bubbled to the surface. I thought of the endless times I had to endure hearing, "All kids are like that." Of family members pretending there was nothing wrong. I remembered watching other kids tease and avoid my son because he was below the maturity curve, talked too much, acted inappropriately and always raised his hand in class whether he knew the answer or not. I recalled the ADHD mom who called me in tears, talking on the phone for an hour because I was the first person who "got it" and actually listened. 

Then both his melt-down and my anger dissipated and we hugged. He really is such a sweet kid. How lucky am I to have a teenager with so much joy for life and so much love for others. And when all is said and done, the garbage goes out (OK, so there was this lengthy conversation about how he would do the kitchen one but not the bath because of a problem with a bag and so on and recycling he'll do later because at 7 p.m. he has to do such and such...) and all is right in the household. 

At least for now.

Bottom line, if you have a kid with ADHD, make people listen. Both your sanity and your child's peace of mind depend on the world accepting it for what it is, a mental disorder that hurts. It's not about fidgety kids. It's about being in control of a brain that wants to do otherwise, of chemicals misfiring in places where other people's work just fine. 

Get help. Surround yourself with understanding. Join CHADD. Or do what I do since I don't have much of the before-mentioned. Find comfort in Web sites such as these. Just writing about this has helped so much. Thank you Victoria!

Because it doesn't go away. And even when they're teenagers, off meds and working hard to "train their brains," there will always be those outbursts and meltdowns. And obviously, that resentment is still there, needing to heal.

Chere Coen
Author and Mother of two