Mom-Tales.com

Great!, So you're ready to either take some time to nurture yourself, and in so doing be better able to nurture your little one, or you're ready to spend some time nurturing your marriage, or you're ready to go back to work (or all of the above.) But the thought of entrusting the most valuable thing in your life to a complete stranger is paralyzing. Well, relax. A responsible, trustworthy, loving and wonderful nanny or babysitter might just be around the corner. But how do you find her*? Well, the most ideal place is an unqualified recommendation from a good friend. However, not everyone will have this good fortune. If that's you, then we've assembled some tips on where to find her as well as important information on what to look for and how to work with her.

Step 1: Finding her:

1. Put a notice up at the child development department of your local college or university. Here you will likely find someone who is already interested in children and who'll be more likely to know something about your baby's development. It might be worthwhile to work around the potential babysitter's school schedule. She might even be able to count her hours with you as an internship or count work experience as class credit.
   
   
2. Try putting an ad in your local paper. You may have to weed through several applicants to find your gem of a babysitter, but it could be well worth it.
   
   
3. Put up a notice at your Church or Synagogue. Let members know what you're looking for.
   
   
4. Post a bulletin at the local preschool. Talk to the teachers and administrators. They just may know of someone.
   
   
5. Mention it to your Pediatrician. Let her know what your need are.
   
   
6. Just start taking to everyone. The more you mention it to your friends and acquaintances, the more likely you're going to find something.
   
   
7. Finally, a little note on etiquette. Let's say you've found a great babysitter or nanny, but she currently working for a friend or a neighbor. Unless that person no longer needs her, it's a bad idea to try and negotiate with the nanny yourself (i.e., stealing her away.) You can certainly ask your neighbor if her babysitter might be free on a night she doesn't need her. The best policy is always to ask the neighbor first.
   

Then, when potential childcare providers start responding to the ad, you can begin to qualify them over the phone. Give the caller basic information like your baby's (or babies) age (s), the hours you would need her and what her salary would be. Potential questions to ask at this point might be:

• What's your experience?
• Do you enjoy babysitting? Why?
• Have you had any first-aid or Red Cross training?
• Do you have your own car? If not what kind of transportation would you use?
• Do you have references? (This is a must! Ask her to bring all references with her if you decide to move forward with a face-to-face interview.)
• Tell her about any restrictions or special needs you may have (i.e., "We don't allow television watching while the baby is awake." or , "Our household is vegetarian.") And ask her if she has any problems with this.
• Then ask her to tell you a little about herself. You can begin to get a sense of who she is by how she talks about her experience.

Step 2: The Interview

Ideally you should schedule the interview with the potential babysitter or nanny around your baby or toddler's nap time, so her or she is awake when the interviewee arrives. You want to see how she responds to your child. Here are some things to look for:

• Is she warm and loving?
• Is she hands-on?
• Does she "talk" to him or her?
• Does she handle your baby a little too gingerly than you're comfortable with?
• How does your baby respond to her?
• If you have more than one child, does she seem to favor one above the other?

Discuss with the applicant your house rules. We're sure you've heard this before, but it bears repeating here: consistency is so important. You need to let the childcare giver know the rules you've developed in the home regarding naptime, feeding, bathing, outdoor time, sunscreen use, discipline, etc. They must remain the same when she is babysitting. So, go over all the rules and make sure she understands them.

Then, try to decipher if the interviewee share similar values. She doesn't necessarily have to share the same values as you, but she does have to respect yours. For example, if you are religious, does she respect that? If you're atheist, does she respect that? If you're vegetarian, can she prepare vegetarian meals for your toddler without turning her nose up at tofu? Is you're household strictly disciplined and can she adhere to that? Are you more easy-going and permissive, and is she comfortable with that? Is it important that she be neat and orderly? Or, is it more important that she be relaxed, loving and playful? Is she a touchy, huggy feely person? Are you comfortable with that? Is she quiet and reserved or expressive and talkative? Try to determine how comfortable you would be with her and how her personality type would fit with your child and in your household.

Perhaps most important is the focus on the baby or toddler. If being interactive with your baby or toddler is more important than keeping the kitchen clean (and it really should be) let her know that. Keeping things neat and clean around the house is a nice bonus, but it should always come second to spending time interacting with your baby. Dishes and laundry are things she can do when the child is napping.

Discuss salary with the applicant. Make sure she feels it's fair. You don't want pay rate to be an issue later...after she's bonded with your child. If you're hiring a nanny, make sure she understands that these are the terms she's agreeing to. You may also decide to do a review in 6 months or a year. If so, let her know and that, after the review, you may be open to re-evaluate the salary and perhaps a raise will be in order.

Other important questions to ask your potential nanny or babysitter:

• How do your respond to crying? Excessive crying?
• How do you handle tantrums?
• Do you use time outs? How?
• What do you do when you have two kids screaming and only one pair of hands?
• What would you do in an emergency?
• Do you use television to keep them occupied while you get things done?

What is your safety training? Be very clear to the babysitter that safety is, above all else, a priority. Point out things about your house that might be potential danger zones, like stairs or windows and ask how she would prevent your child from getting close to them.

Ask her about her commitment. How long can she commit to staying with you? You don't want to go through this process again any time soon. More importantly, changing childcare givers is very difficult for children – it undermines their very formative foundations of trust.

Ask if she has other children. If so, what plans does she have when her children get sick?

Step 3: After the Interview

After the initial interview, call all the references she gave. Even if the potential babysitter raves about how her prior employer loved her and she still stays in touch with the children, call the reference yourself.

Then, when speaking to the reference, let them know that your conversation will be private and he or she will be kept anonymous. That way, he or she will be more likely to be candid. If that particular nanny is not chosen, assure him or her that you'll give the applicant another reason. In other words, it won't be because of your conversation with the reference.

Tell the reference that your child, like theirs, is the most important thing in your life, and that you "will take their words with you to the grave."

You want to hear from the reference what the applicant was like with their children. Some potential questions to ask are:

1. Did she use sound judgments?
2. Was safety a priority for her? Did she prepare for your toddler's next move? Did she anticipate potential problems beforehand?
3. How did she handle situations that would arise?
4. How did she interact with them?
5. Did she respect the family's values and lifestyle choices?
6. How did she handle discipline?
7. Did the baby or toddler respond warmly to the nanny?
8. Was she reliable and prompt?
9. How many times did she call in sick?

If you are satisfied with the reference's recommendation and you're ready to move forward and hire this babysitter or nanny, call her and let her know you'd like to have her on a trial basis at first. If she turns out to be what you had hoped, great! However, it might be a good idea to have a back up plan in place. If, for whatever reason your first choice doesn't work out, you'll already have the second choice pre-screened, and ready to move forward. You never know, she may work out even better that the first.

Step 4: After you've hired your babysitter or nanny

If at all possible, take a few days to observe the babysitter interacting with your baby. This is really important. Just like you don't really know what a guy is like until you live with him, you don't know what a childcare giver is really like until she gets comfortable in your home.

Observe their interaction.

• Is your babysitter's main focus your child? Or, is she talking on her cell phone or to her friend at the park instead of watching your toddler on the monkey-bars?
• Does she have fun with your child? Does your child have fun with her?
• Does she stimulate their development? For example, does she take your baby up to a flower outside and ask her, "Isn't this flower interesting? Look at how red it is. Smell how sweet it is." Does she help your child compare objects?
• Does she engage your little one in learning activities? If so, does she seem natural in doing so?
• Is she warm, fun, loving?

If it's not possible for you to be there (i.e., you need to start back to work right away) set up a supervised play date with the new nanny and your child with other mommies and their children. Have the other mom report back to you.

If you work full time and can't be around the nanny at all, you might consider using a "nanny-cam." Some families will feel comfortable with this, others won't. If you decide not to use one, plan some surprise visits at an hour that she is not expecting you – perhaps on your lunch hour or by making it an early day. If this is not logistically possible, perhaps you can ask a friend or neighbor to stop by unannounced.

Give as much support to your nanny or babysitter as possible. You want this to work. Try to develop a network of neighbors and friends with nannies or babysitters, and set up play dates at the park together. Time their stroller walks with other moms or nannies in the neighborhood. Build in some support for her. She gets to get out, the kids get to socialize and the nanny will be somewhat supervised.

When you've found someone good, do everything you can to keep her. Work with her and try to stay flexible. Thinking of her needs will go a long way toward positive feelings and a happy disposition. And a happy babysitter is a better babysitter. Above all, treat her as an equal. We're all human beings trying to make our way in life and her family is as important to her as yours is to you.

You may even find that a good babysitter or nanny will teach you a thing or two about caring for your children. I learned how to bathe my babies better from a nanny. I've learned how to stimulate my children's development better by watching a babysitter relate to my toddlers.

Finally, there is no such thing as the perfect babysitter or nanny (although I had one that came close once!). So, determine which of the above points are most important to you and use that as your guidepost.

*For the purpose of brevity and ease of reading we're assigning the female gender to the potential nanny or babysitter. That doesn't mean that males can't make great babysitters.

@Victoria Loveland-Coen, All rights reserved. My sincere thanks to clinical psychologist and mother of three, Dr. Tracy Rosberg for her help with this article.