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Surprisingly, this lack of an instantaneous bond is more common than not. Michelle Witkin, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and founder of the Circle of Care Program in Santa Clarita, California says, "I talk to a lot of new moms and this experience seems pretty consistent." Typically a mother's long or difficult labor, the infant's inability to nurse properly, mother's discomfort, conflicting feelings of motherhood in general, spousal jealousy, a prompt return of mother to the workplace, or simply a busy life loaded with competing responsibilities can potentially interfere with the bonding process.

Witkin had a similar experience with her newborn son. "When I first saw my new baby, I thought isn't that cute. What do I do with that? It wasn't automatic. I hoped that we were going to bond. Then over the next few weeks I started to feel it growing. He was very responsive. I knew that's what I was there to do - create a relationship with him." Fortunately, like Witkin, most new moms do begin to develop a bond with their babies within a month or two, and most babies eventually form a secure attachment to their mothers.

But how does this process that often has a shaky start, develop into a durable, loving connection? What is this mysterious process called bonding? Why is it so important and what can a new mother do to optimize it?

To delve into the question of how a bond is formed between mother and child seems almost blasphemous. The mother and child union has always been considered sacrosanct. And yet, by examining the process, we empower ourselves to help optimize a newborn's healthy development, and at the same time, find more joy in parenting.

Research supports the idea that creating a strong, loving bond is the most critical factor in an infant's development and vital to a baby's emotional growth. Most child development professionals agree that it is the relationship a baby has with her primary caregiver that serves as the foundation for her emotional well-being. Several studies done within the last decade indicate that an infant who becomes securely attached to at least one parent benefits in a number of ways: 1) the child will be better able to spring back from stressful events (emotional resilience), 2) she will develop better social skills and form healthy friendships more easily, 3) she will have increased cognitive abilities, 4) she will be better able to self-regulate, and 4) she will develop a stronger "sense of self" and begin to venture into independence confidently. Additionally, Witkin tells us, "Establishing a secure bond with an infant is vital in forming a child's ability to trust her environment, to feel safe in the world. If a baby is cuddled and loved and nurtured, she's more likely to thrive."

But every good mother cuddles, loves and nurtures her baby - doesn't she? It's important to remember that many new mothers, while enamored with their newborn, are also sleep-deprived, freedom-deprived, sometimes in physical discomfort, and awed by the enormous responsibility of tending to the demands of an infant twenty-four hours a day. The birth of a baby is a joyous, miraculous, yet oftentimes overwhelming event. Bonding is not necessarily the reward for giving birth, or even breast-feeding. Like any relationship, it requires time and attention.

Child development specialist Claire Lerner, LCSW, with the non-profit organization Zero to Three says, "Most new moms have a lot of excitement during pregnancy and joyful expectation about experiencing this 'falling in love with your baby' thing that they've been hearing about. They're in for a surprise when it doesn't happen immediately. Sometimes feelings of guilt and shame set in about why they're not feeling what every mom if supposed to feel, and the whole experience begins to spiral downward for them and their baby. Many new moms don't realize that this ambivalence is normal and it takes time, and that sometimes you will be madly in love with your baby and other times you'll feel anxious about the enormity of the responsibility."

The renowned psychiatrist and researcher, John Bowlby coined the term "attachment" in the 1950's to describe the affective bond that develops between infant and mother. Until then, no one had placed attachment at the center of human development. Drawing on studies of primate as well as human infants, he concluded that a baby cannot survive on food alone - it needs love. Bowlby documented his criteria for healthy human attachment in his now classic trilogy Attachment and Loss. This criterion is still used today by pediatricians to measure a baby's healthy growth.

All children form an attachment to their primary caregiver. However, it is the quality of attachment that determines a child's emotional well-being — and that is linked to the parental bond.

In the 1960's psychologist Mary Ainsworth (a colleague of Bowlby) developed the landmark study known as The Strange Situation. In this study, mothers and their infants were observed at intervals throughout the first year of life. Attachment classifications were determined by how infants reacted when left alone with a stranger, and then completely alone for a few minutes. Does the baby cry for a short time when the parent leaves? Does he prefer the company of his parent to the stranger? Does he greet his mother actively? Does he use his mother to calm himself and perhaps begin exploring his environment? If so, that child is developing a secure attachment. If not, he is developing an avoidant, ambivalent or disoriented attachment - various types of insecure attachment. What surprised Ainsworth, and other researchers who replicated the study, was that they were able to predict, with tremendous accuracy, the attachment classification infants would fall into, based on the interview with that child's parents. In other words, the mother's story (revealed in the interview) of her early childhood and relationship with her parents effected how she would bond with her own children. The same was true of the father if he were a significant factor in raising the child. If the mother or father had come to terms with his or her own childhood, be it positive or negative, he or she tended to have an increased ability to be present and emotionally available to the child.

Daniel Siegel, Ph.D., associate clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine gives us an example of this dynamic in his new book, The Developing Mind. A new mother relates that her relationship with her father was troubled. She often felt angry with him when she was child, and they were never close. Later she resolved her feelings about her dad and began to understand that his consistent lack of employment effected his moods. She even realized that her father's difficulties contributed to her current drive to succeed. Because she learned to integrate her early experiences in life and have some peace of mind about it, she is free to live in the present. As a parent, she is sensitive to her baby's needs and is emotionally available to her.

According to Siegel, optimal security of attachment to a parental figure is found in about 55 to 65 percent of infants. What about the other 35 to 45 percent? Siegel concludes from studies that if a parent's own childhood is unresolved, or if she is preoccupied by the past, she may have difficulty giving her baby what he needs to become securely attached. An unresolved past might cause a new mother to be emotionally unavailable, imperceptive, or worse, frightening to her baby. That child will most likely develop some type of insecure attachment to his mother, and be at higher risk. This may contribute to the fact that, according to the Minnesota Department of Human Services, at least twelve percent of children in the U.S. have significant emotional or behavioral problems.

Does this mean a child is doomed to developmental and psychological problems because his parent has not been able to resolve a traumatic childhood? Not necessarily. The good new is, most children are resilient. Siegel tells us, "Because development is a process, older children, adolescents and adults may be able to continue to grow and change despite suboptimal early life experiences."

John T. Bruer, Ph.D., author of Myth of the First Three Years, a book written to question the popular "first-three-years-last-forever" theory states, "Critical periods are "not windows that slam shut. They are complex. They pass through stages" they are more like reservoirs that evaporate and reservoirs that we can sometimes replenish, if we know enough about the brain areas involved and the kinds of experiences to provide. Our brains are remarkably plastic and we retain the ability to learn throughout our lives."

Regardless of when critical periods for maximum development occur, there is no doubt that the first few years of a child's life are significant, and that a securely attached infant is more likely to develop into a well-adjusted child. So what can new parents do to help their baby develop a secure attachment? How can they take full advantage of this early opportunity to help their child reach her full potential? The standard answer from pediatricians and child development experts alike is to be consistently responsive to your child's needs. Be emotionally available to your baby. Talk, sing, read to, and play with your baby. In other words, make a conscious effort to create a bond with your baby. Some parents indeed do this naturally. Others may need to work at it, as was the case with Julie.

Julie decided to cultivate an atmosphere that was conducive to bonding with her infant. She took advantage of the feeding times, and immediately after, because "that's when he seemed to be more receptive." "I propped him up so that he would look directly into my eyes and I would sing every lullaby I knew. I stayed away from the "Rock A Bye Baby" song because those lyrics are frightening. But there was something about singing lullabies that opened up my heart and I felt my son take it all in. His eyes seem to focus more and he'd look directly at me. Then one day, while I was singing along with a CD of "All the Pretty Little Ponies," he looked right in my eyes and smiled! From that moment on I was hooked. The bond between us began grew stronger and stronger every day. There continued to be moments when I felt overwhelmed and frustrated, but nothing could diminish the love I had developed for my son."

Lerner says it's a matter of becoming attuned to your child. "Each baby has a unique personality. Moms need to listen to what their baby is telling them and be responsive to their individual needs. The power is within you to know what your baby needs; it is not in books." So while singing lullabies worked for Julie's relationship with her baby, more active play might work for another. Lerner also warns that new parents must nurture themselves as well. "Develop self-awareness. When you feel overwhelmed, give yourself a break. If you do, you'll have more to give to your baby. If you don't, you may get stressed out and then you're of no good to baby. The key is to adapt to your baby's individual personality while taking care of your own needs."

Siegel offers even more specific advice to new parents. He has made a study of what qualities help parents foster a secure attachment in their children, and has narrowed them down to following five:

1). Collaborative Communication. It is during the first year that you and your baby have a chance to become attuned to each other. Take every opportunity to really look at your baby and respond in kind to all his non-verbal signals such as eye contact, facial expression, gurgling, body gestures and timing. Sharing of these non-verbal signals creates a joining of two minds at a basic level. Such deep communication provides the emotional nourishment that your baby's developing mind requires.

2.) Reflective Dialogue. Once your child begins to communicate verbally (usually around two years of age) you can begin to question her about her thoughts, feelings, perceptions, memories and attitudes. You can ask her how she feels about an event, rather than describing the event itself. This helps your child develop an ability to perceive what others might be feeling. It is the beginning of compassion.

3.) Repair. From the day your child is born and continuing throughout the lifetime of your relationship with each other, there will be moments when ideal connection is disrupted. It's inevitable. All parents are human. However, efforts to repair this disruption are an important part of reestablishing the connection. Ruptures without repair seriously impair a child's development. Repair also helps to teach the child that life is filled with moments of misunderstandings, but that connection can be created again. To accomplish this will your baby you might hold her close and let her know that parents occasionally get frustrated, but it doesn't stop you from loving her. Remind her how much you love her. Your baby will understand on some level. By engaging in a repair process early in your relationship with your child, you will help to establish it as common practice throughout your child's life.

4.) Coherent Narratives. Adults can teach children about the world of the self and of others by joining with them in the co-construction of stories about life events. Talk with your child in simple language about the family. Discuss what others members may have experienced and what they might be thinking or feeling. Focus on the activities as well as the mental life of family members. You can also achieve this by participating with your child in her play with stuffed animals and dolls. Help her to create an imaginary life for them. By doing so, you will be giving your child the tools she needs to make sense of her world.

5.) Emotional Communication. Emotions are opportunities for connection. Positive emotions should be shared and amplified. This helps create the foundation for a positive attitude toward the self and others. It is equally important to remain connected to your baby or toddler during moments of emotional upset. Negative emotional states can be shared as you help soothe your child's distress.

Like any mystery in life, when we begin to understand and work with the processes involved, we become empowered. Helping our children reach their full potential is within our grasp. One very effective way to accomplish this is to consciously create a strong, loving bond as early on as possible. When we do, we may feel as Julie did when she said, "I finally began to experience the full joy that I had only dreamed possible in becoming a mother."

© 2001, Victoria Loveland-Coen. All right reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotation in a review.