Mom-Tales.com

Have you just had a new baby join your family?  Congratulations! You are embarking on the most miraculous, joyous and challenging journey of your life. As incredible as it sounds to those who've never experienced parenthood, many expectant women and new moms wonder if they'll live up to their own expectations of being a good parent. Indeed it is an enormous responsibility to not only care for the physical needs of an infant, but also to raise a healthy, well-adjusted, secure child - one who feels good about him or herself and relates well to others.

Fortunately, one of the simplest, most enjoyable methods for promoting a baby's healthy emotional development is to create a close maternal/infant bond. Although that bond is never an automatic reward for giving birth, some mothers seem to create a bond with their new baby effortlessly and instantaneously. For many others, however, a variety of challenges can interfere with the quality of that bond. Many mothers are simply sleep deprived and shocked by the sudden realization that they no longer have time to themselves. Further, a colicky baby, or simply one who cries frequently, is a huge challenge to many mothers. Many new mothers are still trying to recuperate from cesarean surgery or even from a long or difficult labor. Some mothers have difficulty getting their baby to nurse properly. For others, a spouse or birth partner is not as supportive as she'd like. Others feel conflicted by a fast approaching return-to-work date. For others, a baby is an enormous drain on an already stretched back account, or to an already overloaded schedule. Some, like myself, give birth to more than one baby at a time and feel conflicted about which crying baby to give attention to first. In short, many new mothers feel stressed, anxious or guilty that life with their new baby is not living up to their expectations. All of these experiences can affect the quality of the bond you are forming with your baby.

Many new mothers report that it takes days, weeks or even months to fully bond with their baby. That's perfectly okay. It's not necessary to fully bond with your baby the first day. As Eisenberg and Murkoff say in their book, What to Expect the First Year, "Like any close, loving connection, your relationship with your baby may take time and effort to build." The good news is: this site features tips from experts and fun activities you can do to promote that loving connection. Even if you have formed a strong bond with your baby, there will be days that are more challenging than others, and your relationship may be temporarily compromised. We at babybonding.com are committed to help you regain that loving connection, even on the toughest of days.

Personally, my experience bonding with my newborn twins was frustrating initially. After five years of trying to conceive, then nine month of loving my babies in the womb, I assumed our bond would be automatic. I was baffled when weeks later I still felt like a temporary custodian of someone else's babies. I was taking care of their every physical need, so why wasn't it happening like I expected it to? What was I doing wrong? I felt like a failure as a mother. I instinctively knew bonding was important for all three of us. It became clear something had to be done. My commitment to succeed in this effort sparked my creativity and I began to develop activities to help us connect. These activities worked better than I expected. Gradually, I began to experience the close, loving connection with my babies I had always dreamed about. Not only that, but it also helped me become better attuned to my babies' subtle cues. Attending to their needs was no longer frustrating guesswork. I began to share these "bonding activities" with other new parents and discovered they were having similar success with them. It was then that the idea for book on how-to-create-a-strong-bond-with-baby was born.  The idea became my book, The Baby Bonding Book: 50 Ways to Connect with Your Infant (which is now available for free as a pdf download by signing up for it at www.LoveBlessings.com )

Even if you are fortunate enough to have experienced a healthy bond with your baby right from the beginning, the tips offered in that book will enhance that bond, giving your child a distinct advantage. Recent research confirms that helping your child develop a secure attachment to you is the single most important thing you can do for your baby! By following the activities in the book, you will establish a strong, enduring bond with your baby - ultimately helping her become securely attached. Several studies done within the last decade indicate that a securely attached infant benefits in many ways: 1) she will be better able to spring back from stressful events (emotional resilience), 2) she will develop better social skills and form healthy friendships more easily, 3) she will have increased cognitive abilities, 4) she will be better able to self-regulate, and 5) she will develop a stronger "sense of self" and begin to venture into independence confidently. The activities promoted here will also help your child develop a positive "can do" attitude so necessary for having a successful, fulfilling and joyous life.

In Stanley Greenspan's book Building Healthy Minds, he encourages new mothers to create a relationship with baby through conscious loving, tender interactions. He writes, "A child learns the basics of how to relate to others and to communicate and think from these early interactions with caregivers." Greenspan also cites recent neurobiological research that reveals "vital interactions with caregivers literally wires a baby's brain, filling in the broad outlines of his genetic blueprint...supporting intelligence and social skills." In his book Bonding, Marshall Klaus writes, "It is from this emotional connection that infants can begin to develop a sense of who they are and from which a child can evolve and be able to venture into the world. Without a secure base established in infancy, humans from childhood throughout adult life may develop and cling to the belief that the world is unstable, and that they cannot safely trust others." Child psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Bruce Perry states that "...Every time you hold that baby and coo and look in its eyes, as you feed and you love it, there are parts of that baby's brain that are being stimulated and that are being exercised, that are being grown so that when that child gets older, it will be very capable of loving other people."

An effective bond is created from an intention to connect with your baby. Bonding is not simply a matter of breast-feeding your baby, or even holding him all day, it is the attitude with which you do any activity that makes the difference. It is a conscious choice to relate purposefully and intimately with your baby during routine activities like bathing, changing diapers and feeding that creates an intimate connection.

The bonding activities recommended in my book, The Baby Bonding Book: 50 Ways to Connect with Your Infant (now available for free at www.LoveBlessings.com) are intentionally simple, fun and easy-to-follow. That last thing you need, as a busy new parent, is something complicated or time consuming. Also, simple approaches seem to work better. There's purity to uncomplicated methods that go straight to the heart. And it is this connection of parental heart to infant heart and back again that is the core of bonding.

Many of the ideas in The Baby  Bonding Book are stories to tell or things to say to baby. Naturally babies won't fully understand the words you're saying to them until much later, although new research reveals that babies are much smarter than was originally believed. On some level your baby will get the gist of whatever it is you're saying. Also, your baby will begin to grasp many of the words you continue to use well before his first birthday. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends parents talk to their babies as much as possible during the first year to assist in language development. For the first three months not only does Mommy and Daddy's voice serve to reassure, comfort and entertain baby, but this early verbal interaction also teaches baby a great deal about the art of conversation.

All effective bonding activities include listening for your baby's responses, both verbal and nonverbal. Renowned pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton tells us that a baby consistently tries to communicate with its parent - its first language being his behavior. So as you practice these bonding activities with your baby watch his behavior. Look at your baby directly in the eye and notice how he is reacting. Is he moving enthusiastically, smiling, cooing or simply looking relaxed? That's good. Respond affirmatively and continue what you're doing. If your baby responds by looking away, moving anxiously or generally fussing, alter your interaction accordingly. Maybe it's too much stimulation for now and he wants to rest. Also, keep in mind that your baby will be changing from day to day. So while he may not respond to one activity today, he may love it tomorrow, and vice versa. When you're aware that all of your baby's expressions and responses are meaningful, it will open up another level of communication between you two. You are, in fact, learning from each other. And the way you relate together will become a sort of dance between you and your baby. Before long, you will become so attuned to your baby, you'll be better able to "read" what she is communicating, making your job as parent much easier.

Try not to forget how blessed you are to hold and love this miracle of life - your new baby. Enjoy this process of creating a positive relationship that will endure a lifetime. This first year doesn't last long; savor every moment. My wish is that my book will help you do just that.

© 2001, Victoria Loveland-Coen. All right reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotation in a review.